Thanksgiving

To our babies when you're ready to have families of your own,

Thanksgiving was the 26th of November three years ago. We had just gone for a second ultrasound that confirmed our baby girl was no longer growing and that our due date in July would be no more. Heartbreaking doesn't begin to describe it. About three weeks prior, on the 10th anniversary of your Nana's death, Daddy and I surprisingly learned we were pregnant! It wasn't planned but we were excited. I always had thoughts that I would have trouble conceiving a child and this event did not help my heart feel that things would be easy. Daddy and I spent Thanksgiving with our family. Many of your aunts and uncles were about to bring new babies into the world and I was angry I needed to be around them. Why was He compounded my grief by those who were so joyful?

As I'm sure you'll learn, I believe that everything happens for a reason - the good, the bad, and the downright awful. My favorite verse is that everything has a time and a season. This was a time in my life where I questioned God and why He could do these things. I can only hope that you never, ever have to experience this loss in your lives - but if you do, as much as it may hurt, keep God close. In the days, weeks, and months that followed, I prayed to Him and cursed Him at the same time. My doctor was not helpful either. And when I say not helpful, I mean hurtful. The radiologist wouldn't tell us what the ultrasound showed. We demanded to speak with the doctor. I'll never forget being brought in the main office area, sitting at their phone next to their fax machine, talking with the doctor. Daddy kept his hand on my shoulder. That was the day I learned that once babies die, it's common to say, "The fetus is not viable," as if that makes it easier... I didn't know what to expect and when I asked it felt like I was being sneered at, like, "How could you not know what to do?" I was told if I were to miscarry, I could save "the tissue" in a plastic bag in the refrigerator. Yeah - this doctor was not schooled in bedside manner. Daddy took me immediately over to another doctor's office. I cried at the reception window until they accepted me as a patient and agreed to do the surgery to take out your sister.

The few weeks between this and the surgery date were rough. My body was holding on to something we had created but with no life within it. I felt empty. The surgery was the first real one I had ever had and my memory of it was a blur, seeming like a hospital tv show version. After this, EVERYONE seemed to be getting pregnant and while I wanted to be happy for my family and friends, I felt betrayed, even though no one knew.

It took me a long time to open up about this experience and it's still hard to talk about without tears forming. Helpful information for you if you ever come across a family experiencing this loss:
*Remember that you do NOT understand unless it has happened to you.
*Never say, "You're young! You'll get pregnant again!", "At least you were able to get pregnant," or anything similar. Sometimes saying nothing at all is better.

So why am I writing this to you? Again while I pray you never experience anything like this, it does have the power to change your life as it did mine. Women understandably don't talk about these things openly, but when they do, you find out it's unfortunately common. When I began opening up to others, I was amazed that I was not alone. I now know of over 20 family members and friends who have miscarried and sadly, the number continues to grow.

I write this to you to ask you to treasure your family and God's plan. Three months after my surgery, we got pregnant again. One day short of a year to the day we learned about your sister, Liam was born. What a difference a year makes. :) And less than 2 years after that, Grace joined our family. If your sister was not called by God, you wouldn't be here today. I believe she is your guardian angel in heaven watching over you both. I believe this was God's reason. As time continues, I feel closer to God because of it too. I don't pray for things anymore. I always pray first in Thanksgiving and let God know that while I may not understand it, I accept His plan for me always.

Adventures in Life & Triage

Chickpea,

You will be arriving in T-4 weeks and a few days. However, Daddy and I think you have other plans and guess you might be a mid-September baby. Daddy thinks the first day of fall, his favorite season, while I'm hoping you'll hang on long enough for my students to meet their long term substitute at school!

If it's one thing your pregnancy isn't, it's uneventful. With Bean, week by week passed with textbook milestones and anticipation. This is similar to you but with added "excitement" along the way. The subchorrionic bleed is now a small sliver of a crescent moon overshadowed by a beautifully growing girl whom we've witnessed kicking and yawning on ultrasounds in the womb. It's hard to forget how scary it was when, at weeks 6-14, it was a massive black pool triple your size.

But I've learned:
God takes Time and Time does Heal. Quite literally, in fact.

As things become "normal", it becomes increasingly easy to forget to be thankful. So perhaps this is why Wednesday's 12 hour triage trip occurred - another wake up call. I woke up at 2 AM with dizziness and an inability to focus properly. When it didn't go away by 6, I'm glad I had the right mind to say that something was off. I went to the hospital armed with an amazing husband who sat in an incredibly uncomfortable chair beside me for 12 hours while we talked with nurses, PAs, and doctors about the "episode" and my symptoms. Many hours of magazine reading later, I had my first ever MRI which I believe is inaccurately portrayed on House as it sounded like a cross between a rave, construction site, and nuclear warfare. More waiting and the scan came back - nothing. I was diagnosed with vertigo. That I can handle. Dehydration could have also been a trigger so perhaps drinking more water wouldn't be a bad idea either. :)

Having a baby is not easy work. It takes strength to hold it together - for yourself and for your baby. For some it's in trying to conceive, others in staying pregnant, for others in labor or what to do when you're finally home with this human being you prayed so hard to receive. And a quick note about all those who raise a child without having gone through pregnancy themselves: It's not easier for them. Their strength came in the waiting for a child and having to trust that when the time was right, a child would enter their lives.

During all of my Wednesday waiting it really began to sink in that so many things could go wrong and that we are extremely BLESSED. While they don't seem like small things in the moment, everything I've gone through so far was just a little bump in the road. In fact, through every trial that we've had in our pregnancy with you, you were doing just fine. I found these logics on an elementary school friend's post today and thought it was fitting.

While #s 1 & 3 are logics I need to take the time to remember, #s 2 & 5 are especially difficult for me. I care deeply about what others think which somehow manifests itself in dwelling on how much better other people have it. But it's true. I don't know what their journey is about just as the strangers who comment on my pregnant size or shape have no idea of the stressful beginning of my pregnancy with you.  

If it's one thing I'd like to teach you in life, it's to enjoy YOUR journey. Surround yourself with people who will stick by in the bad as well as good times and those who don't care how much or little you have, just how you make the best of it.

Our Sweet Girl

The ultrasound tech said this pose showed "a look of drama." I laughed. From what I'm told, I was not a child filled with (outward) attitude, a temper, or anything else that made my parents' lives difficult. Kevin and I however wonder about this one! Beginning with the week we learned of her blessing, she has filled our lives with additional happiness we didn't know possible - but also some anxiety!

We are thrilled to hear that the subchorionic hemorrhage that was initially present throughout the first trimester seems to have resolved itself. This is great as the triage nurses and I were on a first name basis for a while. I see the whole experience as a gift though. I believe I can control some aspects of my health and body but not all of them. The only way I can function daily is to believe that God is the one with control. For a person who likes to be in charge of everything, it was a tough conversion to hand over the "power" I thought I had. I will say I am a happier person and more at ease now that I have.

There have been countless times in life I've prayed for something and the majority have been for asking. In more recent years, I've tried hard to pray for the blessings I've had first and to be thankful for what I have. It's becoming easier even though it sometimes seems strange to me, while I was mid-thought worrying about the latest bleed in the hospital bathroom, that I'm thanking God for Bean and the simple (yet miraculous) fact that I'm able to be pregnant at all. "I trust in Your plan for us" is a phrase I silently say more times than I can count.

So needless to say, we are beyond grateful that..
~I've made it to the third trimester!
~we are able to give Bean what we never had - a sibling.
~she is healthy and strong. <3 <3 <3 <3