Sibling Day!

To Goose and My Sweet Sunshine,

Happy Sibling Day! I know it's so early but the two of you love each other and it's so fun to watch. Growing up without siblings was sad at times. I knew that one day, if God would grant it, I would want more than one child so they could share - joys, experiences, happiness, sadness, and... toys. :) 

Grace, Liam has loved you from day one - the day we told him he was getting a sister.

It's a girl!

He read and talked to you, patted you in my belly, and tried to feed you goldfish through my belly button. The first time he saw you in the hospital, he smiled and reached out to touch you with a smile on his face.

He loves you in the ways a brother should love his sister. Every morning when we wake up, he finds you sitting up in the boppy on our bed. He'll climb up and say, "Good morning, Grace! You sleep all night?" Yesterday he said, "Grace, you're so cute!" He tells me if you are upset and reassures you, "Don't cry Grace - I'm right here!" He brings you your toys. He talks to you - when you squeal he answers right back in your talk. The two of you could (and can!) go on for quite some time. And in case you think it's too good to be true, he tattles on you too.. "Grace is eatin' her straps" (car seat buckles) or "Gracie won't hold my hand!" You're getting much better arm control, but when you were just beginning to figure that out, Liam would get right in your face and you would wave around your arms and hit him. Taken aback, he'd say, "Gracie push me!" Now he says, "Good job, Grace! You're learning!"

Liam, You are already living up to the namesake of your great-grandfather. William literally means "protector" and in your baby book, Daddy and I wrote that we hoped that one day you would be the protector of your siblings by being the first born. You are already the sweetest boy to your sister and love her so very much. 

I know that one day soon Grace will be in your things and tattling back at you. I can only hope that the two of you keep some of this sweet relationship and grow up to be friends. I'll never forget the day we got you the pink iced cupcake telling you Chee-pea (Chickpea) would be a girl - and your sister. I whispered to you, "Daddy and I have the greatest gift for you - something we never had: a friend to grow up and grow older with. Please don't ever be upset that we are sharing our love not just with you but with someone else, because part of her heart will love you too. She will help make our family whole."

Always holding hands. <3

I hope you are both always proud to call each other brother and sister. Happy Sibling Day!

Love, Mama

Happy 27 months, Goose!

Liam,

It's been a while! You and Gracie have been keeping us busy but tonight, as you both sleep in your own rooms(!), I write my letter to you. <3

Wow have you changed in the past few months!

Our silly Goose

Speaking: Your language continues to astound us. If you spend a night at Mom-Mom and Papé's, we always notice a difference when you return home. You speak mostly in sentences instead of phrases. Your question of "Where are you?" in a singsong voice is no longer "Are you?" but the real thing. People other than us can pick out when you say "excavator" and "amplifier." We hear a lot of "I no like it!" even if you are choosing to not choose something at the moment. It sounds like your stereotypical Italian-American when you say it too. When you want something, you say you need it. This is especially funny for items like cookies and cell phones.

"Want some?" Trying a homemade veggie sushi roll

You are able to talk about what you want. One day (a while back in January), you handed me your Magna-Doodle and said, "Draw Coe-e (Chloe), Mama?" And it turned into this picture. You asked for Liam by Chloe, Mommy holding Grace, Gracie's swing, your train table, and Thomas and Gordon. I'll let you decide which doodles are what. :)

Love <3

Comforting: If Grace cries, you immediately go over to her, take her hand, and give her kisses. It melts our hearts to hear you say, "Don't cry, Grace! I'm right here." If you disobey, you apologize (after a while... usually) and say you're sorry.

You love playing the piano and singing, especially to Grace. "Gray-see!" or "Gray-see-poo!" followed by "I love you!" is a typical song while pounding away on the keys. Here you are mid-lyric and Grace is loving every second, already enthralled with her big brother.

Loving: You cuddle with us, squish close to us in any chair with a sigh ("Ah!"), and hug and kiss like there is no tomorrow. When I pick you up from daycare, you meet me at the window: I put a hand up to the glass and you return with yours and a huge smile. I walk in the door, you greet me with the biggest hug, then act super silly.
You grab our faces saying, "Cheekies!" and plant huge kisses on us. On Valentine's Day, you said "I love you, Mommy!" while we walked together down the stairs. It was the first time you said it without me saying it first.

You're also in love with YouDee (aka Big Bird).

You received your YouDee sweatshirt on Super Bowl Sunday in honor of Joe Flacco, a UD grad, on the Ravens. You wouldn't have taken it off for days if we allowed it. You recognize the interlocking UD on paper, advertisements, and on campus. When we travel to Main Street, you ask where YouDee is and call campus his home. Just another testament to the fact that you absorb everything you hear.

The best view after a long day at work. 

Independent: Knowing nothing about small children (until you get to the stage, of course), I thought we had a few more years before you started acting like a teenager. Time outs are becoming a little more frequent and you are already testing your limits. Most of the time, misbehavior is just a game to you - we catch you saying no, but then hiding your smiling face so we can't see it. Other times you are definitely serious, but so are we. :) I hope we get to reap the benefits of following through with your consequences sooner rather than later. We also have become quite good at knowing what to pick battles on. Fruit bars for every meal throughout the day is a no; milk in the (third) cup of your choice is okay. Refusing to take off your monkey jammies when the thermometer says 22 degrees outside - it's not happening but taking Monkey (your backpack) with you everywhere, stuffed with boots, books, trains, and legos is acceptable. Speaking of Monkey, you strap that thing on your back in the most awkward way and then announce, "I going to school. Bye Mommy! See you later!"

Making pizza

A preview of your teenage years - truck, cell phone, and all.

Child proofing our cabinets - and putting away groceries
Note the barilla pasta box going under the sink. :)

Lego lover

Keeping Chloe away from your cheese stick and milk.

I know the day you become a big boy is quickly approaching. Preschool starts in the fall ("The bells - on Main Street!) and when I look at Grace, I sometimes can't believe you were that small. You have quite the personality and I'm already so proud of you. I can't wait to see what the next months have in store, but in the meantime, I can enjoy all you've already become.

Love you, Mama <3

Best Buddies <3

A sideways (sorry!) "Cranky the Crane"

Thanksgiving

To our babies when you're ready to have families of your own,

Thanksgiving was the 26th of November three years ago. We had just gone for a second ultrasound that confirmed our baby girl was no longer growing and that our due date in July would be no more. Heartbreaking doesn't begin to describe it. About three weeks prior, on the 10th anniversary of your Nana's death, Daddy and I surprisingly learned we were pregnant! It wasn't planned but we were excited. I always had thoughts that I would have trouble conceiving a child and this event did not help my heart feel that things would be easy. Daddy and I spent Thanksgiving with our family. Many of your aunts and uncles were about to bring new babies into the world and I was angry I needed to be around them. Why was He compounded my grief by those who were so joyful?

As I'm sure you'll learn, I believe that everything happens for a reason - the good, the bad, and the downright awful. My favorite verse is that everything has a time and a season. This was a time in my life where I questioned God and why He could do these things. I can only hope that you never, ever have to experience this loss in your lives - but if you do, as much as it may hurt, keep God close. In the days, weeks, and months that followed, I prayed to Him and cursed Him at the same time. My doctor was not helpful either. And when I say not helpful, I mean hurtful. The radiologist wouldn't tell us what the ultrasound showed. We demanded to speak with the doctor. I'll never forget being brought in the main office area, sitting at their phone next to their fax machine, talking with the doctor. Daddy kept his hand on my shoulder. That was the day I learned that once babies die, it's common to say, "The fetus is not viable," as if that makes it easier... I didn't know what to expect and when I asked it felt like I was being sneered at, like, "How could you not know what to do?" I was told if I were to miscarry, I could save "the tissue" in a plastic bag in the refrigerator. Yeah - this doctor was not schooled in bedside manner. Daddy took me immediately over to another doctor's office. I cried at the reception window until they accepted me as a patient and agreed to do the surgery to take out your sister.

The few weeks between this and the surgery date were rough. My body was holding on to something we had created but with no life within it. I felt empty. The surgery was the first real one I had ever had and my memory of it was a blur, seeming like a hospital tv show version. After this, EVERYONE seemed to be getting pregnant and while I wanted to be happy for my family and friends, I felt betrayed, even though no one knew.

It took me a long time to open up about this experience and it's still hard to talk about without tears forming. Helpful information for you if you ever come across a family experiencing this loss:
*Remember that you do NOT understand unless it has happened to you.
*Never say, "You're young! You'll get pregnant again!", "At least you were able to get pregnant," or anything similar. Sometimes saying nothing at all is better.

So why am I writing this to you? Again while I pray you never experience anything like this, it does have the power to change your life as it did mine. Women understandably don't talk about these things openly, but when they do, you find out it's unfortunately common. When I began opening up to others, I was amazed that I was not alone. I now know of over 20 family members and friends who have miscarried and sadly, the number continues to grow.

I write this to you to ask you to treasure your family and God's plan. Three months after my surgery, we got pregnant again. One day short of a year to the day we learned about your sister, Liam was born. What a difference a year makes. :) And less than 2 years after that, Grace joined our family. If your sister was not called by God, you wouldn't be here today. I believe she is your guardian angel in heaven watching over you both. I believe this was God's reason. As time continues, I feel closer to God because of it too. I don't pray for things anymore. I always pray first in Thanksgiving and let God know that while I may not understand it, I accept His plan for me always.

Making Room for Baby & Making Changes

Bean,

There were a number of things we wanted to do to get you ready for your sister's arrival. But as I told a dear friend at work, I think God laughs at me whenever I make plans. :) Therefore, we didn't get to prep you as much as we would have liked. I think many families never give this a second thought but as Daddy and I don't have siblings we wanted to make sure this experience was a happy and positive one for you!





We did have an amazing "big brother" book that we shared with you for many months beforehand. You did nice touch to baby sister Chickpea and tried to feed her goldfish and Os in my belly and shared  your stickers.

<----      :)





Fortunately, we spent Labor Day making crafts for your sister and you even picked out a gift. I was afraid you would forget the experience before you could give it to her but luckily, she was only 2 days away!

You loved your "tube" of animals and the camera "cam-ma" that Grace got you! More importantly, from Day One, you have loved your sister. I could not have asked for anything more. What you didn't love though, was thinking that you were missing out on something.. or perhaps the disruption of it all. By the time Grace was two weeks old, you decided that sleep was something to buck us on again. One night, you woke up and tried to exit your crib - head first. The next day we prompted changed your crib into a toddler bed. You said it was "broken" and so the long two months of not wanting to go to sleep at night (and not wanting to go back to sleep in the middle of the night) began. Thank goodness Grace only woke up once or twice a night! It was very trying (and tiring) to be up with you again, sleeping on your floor to get you to sleep. There were many nights that MomMom had to put you to bed. Thank goodness for her too!

Happy BIRTHday, Sweet Grace!

*Warning: Birth story ahead!*

Grace,

Daddy and I were pretty sure you would be a September baby, but we had no idea you'd arrive so early! I knew something was up the morning of Tuesday the 4th. When I got to work, I talked with your "Aunts" Jaime, Kristin, Christina, Kimber, and Megan and told them I felt it could be any moment! By the evening, I felt very uncomfortable and by 10 o'clock, I told your dad to "be prepared." He asked me to tell you that he would like a full night's sleep first. :)

As you will soon learn, your mama loves her sleep. So when I could not fall into it easily, I knew you were on the way. By 11, my water broke and didn't stop. I woke Daddy up and told him that maybe we should pack our bags. :) We stumbled around in the dark, trying not to wake Liam as we got our things together and called over your grandparents for back up. We arrived at the hospital around 12:30AM and requested our favorite triage room, #5, which we frequented during the early part of your pregnancy. Daddy was bummed when it was already taken. It's the only one with a comfy reclining chair. :) This was the last thing on my mind as I was so incredibly worried that your labor would be super quick as your brother's was six hours said and done but while you were itching to get out early, you took your sweet time.

Last belly shot - 36 weeks 2 days - 1AM

Contractions weren't as bad as I had remembered but I suppose that's easy to say when they are 20 minutes apart. I opted for an epidural anyway. A special "Thank You" to Dr. Katz for his amazing work!! Your heart rate did dip a few times however not enough for the doctors to be concerned. The midwife and nurse were impressed with the contraction length. I'd push a few times, then we'd wait and chat before the next one came along. I learned about her free spirited volunteer daughter whose life dream is to work for TOMS and her son's August wedding in NYC. Definitely not your typical TV show labor. :) While the contractions weren't super painful/pressurized towards the end, they were LONG. (See the "mountain range" picture below.)

Like your brother (and unlike your parents), you had a full head of hair. So much so that I could see it before you were even out! Daddy was momentarily concerned that it was dark brown though.. I wonder where that came from!

At 9:22AM, you came into the world and joined our family. I remember being in awe of your brother, just staring at him. With you, I just cried. I was so happy that despite being close to a month early and all of our adventurous beginnings, you were okay. That was, by far, the greatest gift of all.

You are beautiful and we can't wait to watch you grow! <3

Documenting Our Family of Three

Before Liam was born, we had our wedding photographer (of Heather Fowler photography) take photos of us (and belly) down in Cape Henlopen. We had previous had some post-wedding portraits taken on Wildwood's boardwalk and Cape May so we thought we'd get in Kevin's beaches too. :)

For our newest addition, we wanted to be sure we had something similar. I hear lots of stories about how the children after the first one get gipped in terms of pictures, albums, and other special stuff. As an only child, I cannot imagine doing this! Chickpea already has the beginnings of a baby book and free 4D ultrasounds - courtesy of that subchorionic hemorrhage. 

I love the photojournalistic style (in layman's terms: photos without manmade backdrops or tons of posing) but I also love getting different photographers' views. Enter Emily. :) I met Emily as a freshman in college and was already admiring her photography skills of pictures she took of our campus. She now has her own business, Emily Troutman Photography, so if you are in the Delaware area you should check her out!

Here are some of my favorites from her blog post of our session. Check out her page to see more! 

Our Family <3 <3 <3 <3

Liam's obession with phones led to this idea. :)

You don't know what you're in for, Liam!

This is one of our ultrasound photographs with a verse (John 1:16).
"From the fullness of His grace, we have received one blessing after another." 

I can't believe we are one step closer to welcoming our baby girl! <3

Adventures in Life & Triage

Chickpea,

You will be arriving in T-4 weeks and a few days. However, Daddy and I think you have other plans and guess you might be a mid-September baby. Daddy thinks the first day of fall, his favorite season, while I'm hoping you'll hang on long enough for my students to meet their long term substitute at school!

If it's one thing your pregnancy isn't, it's uneventful. With Bean, week by week passed with textbook milestones and anticipation. This is similar to you but with added "excitement" along the way. The subchorrionic bleed is now a small sliver of a crescent moon overshadowed by a beautifully growing girl whom we've witnessed kicking and yawning on ultrasounds in the womb. It's hard to forget how scary it was when, at weeks 6-14, it was a massive black pool triple your size.

But I've learned:
God takes Time and Time does Heal. Quite literally, in fact.

As things become "normal", it becomes increasingly easy to forget to be thankful. So perhaps this is why Wednesday's 12 hour triage trip occurred - another wake up call. I woke up at 2 AM with dizziness and an inability to focus properly. When it didn't go away by 6, I'm glad I had the right mind to say that something was off. I went to the hospital armed with an amazing husband who sat in an incredibly uncomfortable chair beside me for 12 hours while we talked with nurses, PAs, and doctors about the "episode" and my symptoms. Many hours of magazine reading later, I had my first ever MRI which I believe is inaccurately portrayed on House as it sounded like a cross between a rave, construction site, and nuclear warfare. More waiting and the scan came back - nothing. I was diagnosed with vertigo. That I can handle. Dehydration could have also been a trigger so perhaps drinking more water wouldn't be a bad idea either. :)

Having a baby is not easy work. It takes strength to hold it together - for yourself and for your baby. For some it's in trying to conceive, others in staying pregnant, for others in labor or what to do when you're finally home with this human being you prayed so hard to receive. And a quick note about all those who raise a child without having gone through pregnancy themselves: It's not easier for them. Their strength came in the waiting for a child and having to trust that when the time was right, a child would enter their lives.

During all of my Wednesday waiting it really began to sink in that so many things could go wrong and that we are extremely BLESSED. While they don't seem like small things in the moment, everything I've gone through so far was just a little bump in the road. In fact, through every trial that we've had in our pregnancy with you, you were doing just fine. I found these logics on an elementary school friend's post today and thought it was fitting.

While #s 1 & 3 are logics I need to take the time to remember, #s 2 & 5 are especially difficult for me. I care deeply about what others think which somehow manifests itself in dwelling on how much better other people have it. But it's true. I don't know what their journey is about just as the strangers who comment on my pregnant size or shape have no idea of the stressful beginning of my pregnancy with you.  

If it's one thing I'd like to teach you in life, it's to enjoy YOUR journey. Surround yourself with people who will stick by in the bad as well as good times and those who don't care how much or little you have, just how you make the best of it.

The Countdown is On!

I felt I had the time to treasure (and worry about) every single moment of pregnancy with Bean. It's a little different this time around, perhaps because I'm constantly running after him!

As of this Sunday, the third trimester has arrived and the countdown is on. 12 weeks left until we meet our daughter! <3 <3 <3 <3

Our Sweet Girl

The ultrasound tech said this pose showed "a look of drama." I laughed. From what I'm told, I was not a child filled with (outward) attitude, a temper, or anything else that made my parents' lives difficult. Kevin and I however wonder about this one! Beginning with the week we learned of her blessing, she has filled our lives with additional happiness we didn't know possible - but also some anxiety!

We are thrilled to hear that the subchorionic hemorrhage that was initially present throughout the first trimester seems to have resolved itself. This is great as the triage nurses and I were on a first name basis for a while. I see the whole experience as a gift though. I believe I can control some aspects of my health and body but not all of them. The only way I can function daily is to believe that God is the one with control. For a person who likes to be in charge of everything, it was a tough conversion to hand over the "power" I thought I had. I will say I am a happier person and more at ease now that I have.

There have been countless times in life I've prayed for something and the majority have been for asking. In more recent years, I've tried hard to pray for the blessings I've had first and to be thankful for what I have. It's becoming easier even though it sometimes seems strange to me, while I was mid-thought worrying about the latest bleed in the hospital bathroom, that I'm thanking God for Bean and the simple (yet miraculous) fact that I'm able to be pregnant at all. "I trust in Your plan for us" is a phrase I silently say more times than I can count.

So needless to say, we are beyond grateful that..
~I've made it to the third trimester!
~we are able to give Bean what we never had - a sibling.
~she is healthy and strong. <3 <3 <3 <3

Acting on Intentions

I'm going to toot my own horn: I think I'm pretty creative. :)

That being said, you probably wouldn't know it as these ideas typically stay in my head. It's the acting on it part that doesn't happen. After reading The Happiness Project though, I'm attempting to change this. I had an opportunity this week to carry out my first intention.

We (my husband and I) are finding out tomorrow if our newest baby is a boy or a girl. While his parents live down the road - literally, my parents are over 2 hours away. I know they would love to be here to experience the reveal firsthand, so I wanted to come up with a cute way to involve them. After scouring Pinterest for ideas, I came up with my own twist. (Disclaimer: It was not one that I found on Pinterest under gender reveal or parent/family gender reveal.)

I decided to blow up two neutral colored balloons and fill them with construction paper confetti and a note . One balloon held "It's a Boy!", the other "It's a Girl!" They were put in a box and sealed with directions of what to do when they open the package. I ended up calling tonight to say that a package was arriving tomorrow but I didn't spill any details. :) The plan is to call and let them know which balloon to pop. While it's not an amazing idea, I think they will appreciate the thought.

Balloon innards

Goodies inside the balloon

Snuggly inside the box!

Ready to ship! The pink paper says, "It's time to see what your new grandchild will be!"

Intention turned action: Check! I cannot wait to see how my parents like it!